#NowPlaying on @8tracks: “Passionate Soul.” at http://8tracks.com/eli_m_johnson/passionate-soul - Sent from the 8tracks Android app
Marilyn Monroe photographed by Andre De Dienes c. 1945
On the outside, to other people, I know I’m something else, or at least I used to be. In the past, loads of people told me I should have been a model. I had the height, the face and the slim frame. Right now, I’m the slimmest I’ve ever been. But that’s the heroin. It’s not that I’m spending all my money on smack and can’t afford to buy food. I’m just never hungry. I’ve enough money to keep this up for a few more years. I’ve a few hundred thousand stashed away. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on for. If it was only my appetite heroin took, that would be fine, but it’s taken more. I didn’t feel there was much of my soul left. That’s been stolen piece by piece by the paedophiles and the punters. Heroin’s taken the little they didn’t. I feel more empty than I’ve ever felt.
Although I hate it, it doesn’t even really matter that heroin’s caused abscesses on my arms, killed the life in my eyes, stolen the shine from my long, blonde hair, and dumped the spots of a teenager on my face. And though, at twenty-five, I don’t want these red lumps on my face, it’s not about that. It’s not about any of the outside. It’s about that small piece of my soul that was left. It kept me stronger, kept me wanting life, and now heroin’s stolen that, there’s no light left. Maybe that’s what’s caused my dead eyes.
I’ve not had a hit for a week. I want one, but I don’t want a life with smack. I don’t want a life without smack either. At first, it took me to heaven. It gave me those fleeting moments where I felt I had The Life. Now, it’s left me in a living hell. Maybe it’s time to end this sham. Life’s never going to be good. It never has been. I wish I was dead.
SOUL DESTRUCTION diaries by Ruth Jacobs
what’s to bet ole Ruthie’s never shot up neither?
or even talked to anyone who’s currently using
some of this sounds exactly like everybody I’ve ever met in recovery, which is fine and all, when you all read the same literature and hang out together you end up using a lot of the same turns of phrase
but it doesn’t ring right to me, having someone who’s using sound like they’re looking back at it from a distance of years
the rest of it just sounds like anti-drug PSAs which is of course worse
I’m not trying to say that no one should ever try to write characters who use drugs if they haven’t used themselves, but for God’s sake stay out of the epistolary genre
That was exactly the thought that struck me last night - that the way this character views her drug use reminds me more of ex-user retrospection (& highly coloured by the forever-repentant guilt-ridden stance) than currently active user. Apparently Ruth Jacobs WAS a drug addict/alcoholic, which would explain the tone it takes, but it still doesn’t explain why it sounds so inauthentic then.
Also, at some point in these entries the character mentions that she doesn’t even have a daily habit, which makes all this sturm and drang ever more melodramatic and ridiculous. I can’t find it though, blarg
She’s spoken on twitter about how she was a former iv drug user & alchoholic. Just sayin. Still think it’s absolutely UNACCEPTABLE, painting this fantasy of working girls that plays into every sad cliche about the job, when she purports to wanna help our cause, championing the Merseyside model and all that.
— Kristen McMenamy